Get A Life...

Apparently the state of michigan cps can just do whatever they want.
Yesterday both of my boys came home and told me that someone from cps came and pulled them out of classes to talk to them. I have yet to hear from anyone from cps and the schools will not tell me the name or number of the person who spoke to my children.
The reason they gave my kids for showing up is that someone called because monday thru thursday I have school from 530-1030, so when I leave for school at 5 and before my husband gets home from work at 6-630 my oldest son watches his brother and sister. My son is 12 years old, and very responsible and more than capable of watching his siblings for an hour or two. I make sure everything is taken care of before I leave, I make them dinner, they are left with a phone and I have family within walking distance of me if they need anything.
The state of michigan, from everything ive read, has no law on age of a child babysitting their siblings. Its based on the maturity of the child and parental discretion.
Honestly im quite pissed off that someone, a nosey neighbor with no life of their own, called cps in the first place. Im also pissed that cps has not contacted myself or my husband. Im mad at the school for not contacting me, and am actually considering transfering my kids to a different school. This school district is messed up, they have sent my kid home with a friend of mine before without even having my approval or them being on the emergency contact list, what if that would have been a stranger? There is no doubt in my mind they would send my kids with cps without me even knowing whats going on.
I dont abuse or neglect my kids. I feel my son is old enough to watch his younger siblings for an hour or two without me worrying. Its not like im leaving them to go party, im going to school! My aunt, both my brothers are 5 minutes away if needed and my uncle and cousin are right across the road. My son knows what to do if theres an emergency and we have friends around us that he can go to for help.
Its ridiculous that because someone decided to put themselves in my families personal business that I now have to deal with this!
Mind your own fucking business!

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Sharp Turn, Brick Wall!

Well, my relationship with my husband has taken a sharp turn, full speed into a brick wall! Over the last week it has slowly deteriorated into nonexistence. We've barely spoken and I am now not sleeping in our bed.
I dont know maybe its just time to admit that we are two very different people and that our relationship is just not going to work. I mean really how many people these days actually stay with their high school sweetheart.
We've both changed, we are not the same people we were at 14 and 17. Maybe we've just changed too much over the last sixteen years to stay in this. We view everything differently.
Honestly, I feel like he just does not like me any more. The person ive become is not the same person he fell in love with at 17. Hes not the same person I fell in love with at 14, but ive watched him change, ive loved the person he changed and grew into, up until the last six months or so that is. Its like he doesnt really think about me, he doesnt even tell me whats going on in his life the majority of the time and most of the time I feel like hes just wishing id go away.
Ill admit the last few days I have pulled away. Ive made no effort at all to talk to him. I just decided that if he was gonna treat me that way then ill do it back. I know, not my most mature moments but honestly im tired of feeling like I dont matter to him, it hurts. It hurts to feel as tho the person you married doesnt want you around any more. I feel like in his eyes e everything I do is wrong. I dont want to spend the remainder of my life like this. Its not fair to either of us, and at this point it looks as tho it may not change....

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Update...

So, I registered for college! :) Im going to get certified as a medical assistant. It puts me a little bit closer to doing what I actually want to do, which is pediatric nursing. It offers many certifications in a short amount of time. In 9 months I will be certified in insurance, coding&billing, phlebotomy, ekg, urinalysis, and a few other things. Im hoping that this will give me more options as far as job opportunities and becoming a bit more financially stable. At this point we're living paycheck to paycheck and most of the time not even doing that. Its gonna be hard tho, I know that, my classes are Monday thru Thursday from 5:30pm-10:30pm. The school is about half an hour from my house so I wont have much time to see the kids after they get home from school, but I believe in the end it will be worth it. Im doing it to make a better life for myself and children, that is what ive got to remember when times get rough or I feel like I wanna quit. :)

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Maybe I Should Write A Book...

My life hasnt exactly been easy, whos is, right? Mine has had quite a few twists and turns tho and upon talking to a friend recently he said "you should totally write a book, id read it!"
I have to admit, I have considered this myself. Ive even started a few times. The problem I have is what to leave out, if anything. Also, where to start. Plus how would I end it, I mean im only 29 years old, im not even close to done living yet and my future is anything but mapped out. I love to write tho, I find I have a much easier time getting to exactly how I feel when I write. I even write letters to my husband when we get in an arguement. Its just easier for me to express myself and my feelings when I put it down on paper. I can think clearly and get out the exact way im feeling without my anger, fear or whatever getting in the way. Also, for me speaking my feelings aloud scares the hell out of me! Instead of concentrating on what I am trying to say and the point im trying to get across I end up thinking that the person im talking to is judging what I say, or I get flustered and lose some of my thoughts in translation. Or what im trying to say just comes out totally wrong and gets taken the wrong way.
Thats why I started this blog. It gives me a place to get my feelings out, to just put all of me out there and if someone doesnt like what im saying, they can move on. Its kind of a win-win situation for me.
I know its not reasonable for me to think I can go thru life with these limited communication skills, and thats the other reason for my blog, im hopeing to release everything here and gain a better understanding of myself and my emotions so that I can become better equipped at verbalizing my feelings and emotions.
So far, im loving blogging. It doesnt even matter to me if anyone ever reads or comments on what I publish here, im doing this for me. To help with my growth and understanding of myself.
And maybe if I end up writing something that someone else can relate to, thats just an added bonus! :)

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Just Another Day...

Today has been pretty uneventful so far. My husband is at work, the kids are all out playing, enjoying their last days of summer. I cant wait for them to go back to school! My oldest starts middle school this year! Hes pretty excited, I am not. My baby is growing up so fast. Its so funny, hes named after my husband, but he is exactly like me. The kid has so many of my genes its crazy, its like watching a mini me growing up. Hes so smart. My middle child is 9, hes going into 3rd grade. This one is a wild one. He has no fear and he is the cutest kid ever! He has hair so blonde its almost white. My youngest is 4, soon to be 5 in December. She will be in preschool this year since she missed the cutoff for Kindergarten by 2 weeks. She is a typical girl, she loves clothes and shoes and anything pink. With two older brothers tho, shes pretty tough. My kids are amazing. I never knew I could love anyone so much. They keep me sane and drive me insane all at the same time!

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The Apology...

Well, it only took two days, but I finally got the apology. We were laying in bed this morning and he put his arm around me and said "baby girl, im so sorry for how I treated you, I acted like an ass and it was totally uncalled for". Wow, only took him 2 days to finally feel like a big enough ass to apologize. Im glad he did, I dont think I could have just swept it all under the rug and moved on, atleast not without causing some major damage to our already sensitive relationship.
I know it may sound like I dont love my husband at times, but I really do. I love him more than ive ever loved anyone. Because of him I have 3 beautiful kids. Weve been together since I was 14 years old! I grew up with him, and no its not easy. We are totally different people, we see the world differently, we have different views on how to raise our children. We have always had problems communicating with one another. We both have pretty explosive tempers but we have so much love for each other it kind of balances out. Yes we fight, yes we argue, yes at times we really do not like each other but that ia all part of sharing your life with someone, thats part of marriage. Youve gotta take the good with the bad, for better or worse! :)

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The Calm After The Storm...

After my husbands blow up Friday night which ended with me spending the night crying, feeling horrible and sleeping on the couch, I get home tonight around 11pm after working all day and go straight to our bedroom to change. Then I started picking up the house. He ended up catching me while I was in our room and playing Mr. Nice Guy, rubbing my back, trying to cuddle with me and hug me. Of course I was pretty stand-offish. I feel as tho im owed an apology, and I wanna hear the words "im sorry". Until I hear those 2 magic little words im gonna feel like he thinks its okay to treat me as horrible as he did during that fight. I feel very disrespected. He made me feel totally worthless, very small and extremely hurt. I need an apology in order to repair some of that damage! Am I wrong here? Am I being petty? To me playing all nice Saturday night doesnt mean hes off the hook and everythings okay now. I wanna know that he knows the way he treated me and the things he said were very hurtful. Is that so wrong?

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