Maybe I Should Write A Book...

My life hasnt exactly been easy, whos is, right? Mine has had quite a few twists and turns tho and upon talking to a friend recently he said "you should totally write a book, id read it!"
I have to admit, I have considered this myself. Ive even started a few times. The problem I have is what to leave out, if anything. Also, where to start. Plus how would I end it, I mean im only 29 years old, im not even close to done living yet and my future is anything but mapped out. I love to write tho, I find I have a much easier time getting to exactly how I feel when I write. I even write letters to my husband when we get in an arguement. Its just easier for me to express myself and my feelings when I put it down on paper. I can think clearly and get out the exact way im feeling without my anger, fear or whatever getting in the way. Also, for me speaking my feelings aloud scares the hell out of me! Instead of concentrating on what I am trying to say and the point im trying to get across I end up thinking that the person im talking to is judging what I say, or I get flustered and lose some of my thoughts in translation. Or what im trying to say just comes out totally wrong and gets taken the wrong way.
Thats why I started this blog. It gives me a place to get my feelings out, to just put all of me out there and if someone doesnt like what im saying, they can move on. Its kind of a win-win situation for me.
I know its not reasonable for me to think I can go thru life with these limited communication skills, and thats the other reason for my blog, im hopeing to release everything here and gain a better understanding of myself and my emotions so that I can become better equipped at verbalizing my feelings and emotions.
So far, im loving blogging. It doesnt even matter to me if anyone ever reads or comments on what I publish here, im doing this for me. To help with my growth and understanding of myself.
And maybe if I end up writing something that someone else can relate to, thats just an added bonus! :)

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Just Another Day...

Today has been pretty uneventful so far. My husband is at work, the kids are all out playing, enjoying their last days of summer. I cant wait for them to go back to school! My oldest starts middle school this year! Hes pretty excited, I am not. My baby is growing up so fast. Its so funny, hes named after my husband, but he is exactly like me. The kid has so many of my genes its crazy, its like watching a mini me growing up. Hes so smart. My middle child is 9, hes going into 3rd grade. This one is a wild one. He has no fear and he is the cutest kid ever! He has hair so blonde its almost white. My youngest is 4, soon to be 5 in December. She will be in preschool this year since she missed the cutoff for Kindergarten by 2 weeks. She is a typical girl, she loves clothes and shoes and anything pink. With two older brothers tho, shes pretty tough. My kids are amazing. I never knew I could love anyone so much. They keep me sane and drive me insane all at the same time!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

The Apology...

Well, it only took two days, but I finally got the apology. We were laying in bed this morning and he put his arm around me and said "baby girl, im so sorry for how I treated you, I acted like an ass and it was totally uncalled for". Wow, only took him 2 days to finally feel like a big enough ass to apologize. Im glad he did, I dont think I could have just swept it all under the rug and moved on, atleast not without causing some major damage to our already sensitive relationship.
I know it may sound like I dont love my husband at times, but I really do. I love him more than ive ever loved anyone. Because of him I have 3 beautiful kids. Weve been together since I was 14 years old! I grew up with him, and no its not easy. We are totally different people, we see the world differently, we have different views on how to raise our children. We have always had problems communicating with one another. We both have pretty explosive tempers but we have so much love for each other it kind of balances out. Yes we fight, yes we argue, yes at times we really do not like each other but that ia all part of sharing your life with someone, thats part of marriage. Youve gotta take the good with the bad, for better or worse! :)

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

The Calm After The Storm...

After my husbands blow up Friday night which ended with me spending the night crying, feeling horrible and sleeping on the couch, I get home tonight around 11pm after working all day and go straight to our bedroom to change. Then I started picking up the house. He ended up catching me while I was in our room and playing Mr. Nice Guy, rubbing my back, trying to cuddle with me and hug me. Of course I was pretty stand-offish. I feel as tho im owed an apology, and I wanna hear the words "im sorry". Until I hear those 2 magic little words im gonna feel like he thinks its okay to treat me as horrible as he did during that fight. I feel very disrespected. He made me feel totally worthless, very small and extremely hurt. I need an apology in order to repair some of that damage! Am I wrong here? Am I being petty? To me playing all nice Saturday night doesnt mean hes off the hook and everythings okay now. I wanna know that he knows the way he treated me and the things he said were very hurtful. Is that so wrong?

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

It All Changed....

Ive been alive for 29 years, almost 30 in November. Honestly, i feel older than that, some days i feel like I'm 80 years old, like I've lived 5 lifetimes, which i guess could be possible because i believe in reincarnation so maybe I'm feeling some of my past lives lol. Anyways, my dad passed away on December 24 2008, and really I'm still grieving him. I miss him everyday, and even more on bad days. He never bullshitted me when it came to advice, he just said it how it was. If he thought i needed to tell somebody to fuck off, that's what he did. Even during the times when we weren't getting along and weren't speaking, which there were quite a few of (that dangle over my head and cause so much guilt its ridiculous), if i was having a problem, or a meltdown i could always go to my dad. He could be madder than hell at me but he'd make time to listen. There are days that i can hardly remember his voice or the sound of his laugh, and that kills me. The one thing i do remember clearly, like it was yesterday are his last moments alive. I was there. I had been there for 3 days straight, reading to him, talking to him, making sure he was comfortable. I had fallen asleep with my head on the bed beside him and i was awakened by him lifting his arm up and down several times. I knew in my heart he was about to be gone, i ran and got the nurse and she confirmed it, and asked if i wanted her to stay in the room, i told her no. I watched him take his very last breath, alone. Then i lost it. I layed on top of him screaming at him to wake up, promising him that if he woke up id be a better daughter, promising god that if he let my dads eyes open up id be good, id live a better life than what i had been, even offering to trade places with him, he could take me instead. Then the nurse came in and pulled me off of him and helped me sit in the chair, she tried saying some nice crap, telling me he was in a better place. Then Dustin, my younger brother came walking in and i lost it again, except i took all the anger i had and aimed it straight at him, i shoved him and almost knocked him down. I was pissed off because he wasn't there with me when our dad took his last breath. Now, I'm glad he wasn't. Its hard enough for me to see that moment replay over and over in my mind, i wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing my little brother had to go through that too. After that i was numb. I remember being at my house and holding his leather Snap On jacket and just sobbing, i cried myself to sleep. Honestly, Ive cried myself to sleep almost every night since he died. My dad was only 50 years old, he wasn't suppose to die yet, he should still be here! Everybody says "hes in a better place, hes not suffering anymore, blah, blah, blah" and most of the time i have to hold back from saying something rude like "wait till your mom or dad dies then tell me if you feel the same way", or simply "fuck you". I know that sounds horrible and I'm sorry but really do they think i don't know that? That doesn't change the fact that he was my dad, and he died way to soon, and i miss the hell out of him! RIP John Penoyer Jr My Dy 7-25-58 to 12-24-08

My Crazy Life....

Ive been trying so hard lately to move forward, not so much literally as emotionally. Im sure from my previous note everyone gets that im a bit screwed up mentally and emotionally. Its no secret. Im actually glad to let people know, yes i have feelings, yes at times i am emotionally unstable, who isnt nowadays? The fact is ive been okay, dealing with myself pretty well, until last night. Last night Jason, my husband, came home and was in a totally pissed off mood. He came in the door bitching because Keagan was gone and he had not taken care of some of his chores. Then he proceeded to bitch, yell at me for this and apparently many other things hes been letting build up over the last who knows how long. So, from what he says im lazy, letting the kids do whatever they want, not doing anything around the house and dont give a fuck about anything. See, let me back up a little bit here, before, Jason was complaining because i was on the kids all the time about cleaning up after themselves, etc. He said all i did was yell at the kids and that it was not working, he wanted me to let them be kids. Anytime i started bitching about the house not being clean he would say "we have kids, its not gonna be spotless all the time". So, after being told that and many other things about myself by Jason, i decided that he was right! Yes, i said it HE was right! I was constantly yelling, i was not letting them be kids and i was spending too much of my time worrying about whether or not they picked up their toys and what my house looked like. It was consuming me, it was making life a lot less enjoyable for me and everyone else. So, i stopped. I stopped yelling at the kids, i stopped worrying about what the house looked like, i let them go play, i let them be kids. Last night that turned into me not giving a fuck about anything. Apparently no matter what i do in Jasons eyes i just dont give a fuck, im selfish, i cant seem to do anything right to please him. I dont know if anyone knows this, but that fact alone makes you feel shitty. Worthless. I feel as though im fighting a losing battle. Honestly, i feel as though he just hates me. That after 16 years of being together, the man i married completely hates everything about me. What do i do with that? Honestly, sometimes i think everyone i love would be better off without me around. Im not talking about dieing, i dont wanna die, well not at this moment any way, im talking about letting them go. Walking out of my families lives for good. The problem with that, i cant live without my kids, some days they are the only thing that keeps me going, they keep me striving for a better me and a better life. But theres always that stupid voice in the back of my mind that wonders if maybe, just maybe by taking myself out of the equation maybe their lives would be better. The other problem with leaving my kids and Jason, i know how it feels. I know what that type of abandonment feels like, thats probably the cause of some of my emotional problems. I love my mom very much and i do forgive her for the choices she made when my brothers and i were younger, but those scars are still there. Unhealed. Its so funny though, now that im older, i get it. I get why my mother made the choices she did.
Well, i hope some of you maybe understand how i feel, i know ive pretty much just rambled on and on, but thats what i do.... Feel free to leave your comments, cant wait to read em.... Enjoy your life :)