My Crazy Life....

Ive been trying so hard lately to move forward, not so much literally as emotionally. Im sure from my previous note everyone gets that im a bit screwed up mentally and emotionally. Its no secret. Im actually glad to let people know, yes i have feelings, yes at times i am emotionally unstable, who isnt nowadays? The fact is ive been okay, dealing with myself pretty well, until last night. Last night Jason, my husband, came home and was in a totally pissed off mood. He came in the door bitching because Keagan was gone and he had not taken care of some of his chores. Then he proceeded to bitch, yell at me for this and apparently many other things hes been letting build up over the last who knows how long. So, from what he says im lazy, letting the kids do whatever they want, not doing anything around the house and dont give a fuck about anything. See, let me back up a little bit here, before, Jason was complaining because i was on the kids all the time about cleaning up after themselves, etc. He said all i did was yell at the kids and that it was not working, he wanted me to let them be kids. Anytime i started bitching about the house not being clean he would say "we have kids, its not gonna be spotless all the time". So, after being told that and many other things about myself by Jason, i decided that he was right! Yes, i said it HE was right! I was constantly yelling, i was not letting them be kids and i was spending too much of my time worrying about whether or not they picked up their toys and what my house looked like. It was consuming me, it was making life a lot less enjoyable for me and everyone else. So, i stopped. I stopped yelling at the kids, i stopped worrying about what the house looked like, i let them go play, i let them be kids. Last night that turned into me not giving a fuck about anything. Apparently no matter what i do in Jasons eyes i just dont give a fuck, im selfish, i cant seem to do anything right to please him. I dont know if anyone knows this, but that fact alone makes you feel shitty. Worthless. I feel as though im fighting a losing battle. Honestly, i feel as though he just hates me. That after 16 years of being together, the man i married completely hates everything about me. What do i do with that? Honestly, sometimes i think everyone i love would be better off without me around. Im not talking about dieing, i dont wanna die, well not at this moment any way, im talking about letting them go. Walking out of my families lives for good. The problem with that, i cant live without my kids, some days they are the only thing that keeps me going, they keep me striving for a better me and a better life. But theres always that stupid voice in the back of my mind that wonders if maybe, just maybe by taking myself out of the equation maybe their lives would be better. The other problem with leaving my kids and Jason, i know how it feels. I know what that type of abandonment feels like, thats probably the cause of some of my emotional problems. I love my mom very much and i do forgive her for the choices she made when my brothers and i were younger, but those scars are still there. Unhealed. Its so funny though, now that im older, i get it. I get why my mother made the choices she did.
Well, i hope some of you maybe understand how i feel, i know ive pretty much just rambled on and on, but thats what i do.... Feel free to leave your comments, cant wait to read em.... Enjoy your life :)